I started this year with a number of goals. Most of it was writing-oriented - tangible, achievable goals that I could check off, one by one, without facing much in the way of adversity. If something stuck, or I didn't get far in a storyline, I could rest easy in the idea that there would be something else I could work on. Ideas could develop slowly or quickly. The pace didn't matter - I would control what I was accomplishing.
So far, it's been very successful. Leaving my restaurant job was the best decision I could have made for getting more work done. I'm free to write unrestrained, without having to worry about the stress of a job that I'm dreading. I've been sleeping better, I've been managing my weight, I'm happier, and I'm free to have more of a social life than I was able to before.
The trade-off? Financial stability.
I haven't exactly been starving here, but I've definitely not been able to live comfortably within my means. I've had to put a little more debt into my credit cards (which were paid off at the start of this grand experiment, so it really hasn't been that bad), I've been forced into missing out on some social events (I know, I know, woe is me), and I've had to curtail plans on traveling, something I was really looking forward to this year (I know, again, woe is me). The most humbling thing was asking for momentary financial assistance from my dad when my tax bill came due and I owed money for the first time. (Hopefully, that won't be an immediate problem moving forward, as I'm no longer taking in tips and not paying taxes on those tips. But then, who can say what's going to happen in the future?)
Upheaval is something that I've dealt with before, but this was a different kind. It's self-inflicted upheaval. Well, upheaval might be too strong of a word. Uncertainty. Trusting that hard work would lead to my being able to rest comfortably in the fact that I'm making enough money to live comfortably, without worrying about running out of the small fund I've saved up over the past year.
I'm hopefully reaching a point where that uncertainly will be put to bed. I can't say anything just yet, as nothing has been set in stone, but after several months of hard work, a few lucky breaks, and pushing myself to meet and exceed my personal goals, I will hopefully be free once and for all from having to resort to a second job. (Or from walking back to my old job and asking them to take me back - which was always my last resort.) My tentative goal was to have something figured out by May, so I'm again ahead of schedule as far as where I'd like to be...but again, nothing is settled, so I'm not going to talk much more about that.
The most important thing I'm taking away from 2015 so far is that I'm one step closer to determining my life on my own. In years past, the plan was to turn to grad school and figure life out from there. It would be an easy set of pre-determined goals: complete these classes, earn this degree, qualify for this job, figure life out from there. It was always about looking ahead, at the expense of living life in the moment.
In hindsight, not getting into most of the schools I applied for was a good thing. Theatre-wise, I'm figuring out how to get my own work produced, which was an early goal that seemed too daunting at first to even think about accomplishing. Now, I'm taking strides towards getting staged readings of my first full-length play completed...and towards possibly getting it put up as a full production. (Again, early stages here. Nothing to see, nothing to see, just keep moving on.) Writing-wise, I felt that the only way to grow was to get my MFA, where I could set aside years to hone my craft. Now, I'm enmeshed in a circle of fantastic writers who are willing to offer advice and critiques that have helped me grow and build my work in all fields. I've learned where my weaknesses lie, and what my strengths are, and I've taken strides towards putting better and better quality work onto paper.
Had I gone to grad school, I might have foregone the necessary learning curve I needed - essentially, answering my question of 'do I really want to do this or is this some flash in the pan dream'. I still want to write. I still want to get my work produced/published/performed. I've learned that my goals are attainable, and with the help of multiple people I've met while staying in Chicago, I know more ways to attain them than ever before. Plus, I'm not going into mega-debt for a degree that I might have to pay for throughout the rest of my life.
When I came back to the city from Dayton in 2013, I realized that I needed to make changes in my life. Since then, I've refined my writing, honed my craft, learned better how to support myself, and identified where I need to continue to make improvements. I've disciplined myself better - I just started back up at the gym, and the early results are really encouraging, which makes me feel better already. (I'm not as out of shape as I thought I might be.)
Having said all of that, there's still a lot of uncertainty in my life. Where I'll be living after June 30th is very much up in the air. I don't like my apartment - it's a hole in the ground with low ceilings and very few windows. While I love my location, I'm willing to trade that for other elements that will lead towards me being happier and healthier at home. I'm at a point where I feel I can choose how I want to live my life as opposed to making complete sacrifices/concessions in the hope of just getting by - and that can start with where I choose to make my home. It's a transition that started when I picked up temp work instead of relying upon the restaurant for all of my income. It continued when I said that I wanted to live healthier and joined a gym. It continued again when I said that I wanted to focus more on my own personal work rather than bounce aimlessly from audition to audition. It will continue as I figure out where I want to live.
I'm a little bit closer towards becoming the person I ultimately want to be. That journey will never be finished...but I'm still taking steps on it. (Gawd, I hate terrible metaphors, but it works in this case) In the meantime, I'm enjoying the ride.
Also, I wound up at a random Cubs game today. The Cubs lost, but fun was had. If I had gone to grad school, who knows when I would have been able to go to a ball game. Not really a wrap-up thought, but for what it's worth, I'm happy with the ability to make spontaneous decisions and not suffer for them. Which is something.
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